Falling
I’m a desperate romantic, I always have been. The slightest problem could be amplified in my head and I could overreact and believe that it’s the end of my life. Same with relationships, once I fall, I could throw all reason and logic into the wind and go with it (except having sex without condoms, that I would never do until I’m ready to get prego).
So I’ve been hanging out every weekend for the past 3 weekends with this guy, the same one that took me out and treated me like a princess on V-day weekend. Yes, I have fallen for him. And he has completely changed my decision about staying single. obviously its the “honeymoon” stage and everything is rainbows and butterflies…obviously. Except for one fact. I have told him about my curse, I have given him the ultimate decision to make. That if he wants our relationship to go to the next level and really last, he must decide something that may affect the rest of his life…
My biggest fear is that I will end up hurting the one that I love, my husband, but I have no choice but to make the healthiest choices possible, I have to live with it, and make the best of it. And someday, there will be a guy that will not care about the fact that I have this. And he even said that he may be that guy, he just need to think about it.
Why do I get attached to people so easily? why do I fall so easily? for a while now, I’ve thought that I wasnt as vulnerable as before, that I’ve built up my guard and I can’t get hurt as easy as before. Why this? why him? why me?
Of course I’m worried, of course I’m hating my life right now. Just when I finally learned to put down my guard, I have to force it up again, so that I don’t get hurt, because last night, may be the last with him. (no, we didnt have sex, that would be moving waaay too fast) I hope to god that it’s not, but it may very well be. Once he makes his decision, thats it, I’m back to where I was before, back to learning about myself, back to singledom. Maybe it wouldnt be so bad, there’re less things to consider, no worries about hurting someone that I care about the most, no worries about him leaving me after I’ve lost count of the time and resources I’ve spent because of him.
Anyways, as of a few weeks ago, I was still telling myself that I wasn’t single for long enough…
Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, I still have alot to learn.
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