This Hits a Little too Close to Home

It has been a while since I’ve posted, but I haven’t had many problems lately, things have been going fine since I had told him  my “curse”. he said that if we are to break up, it would have to be a bigger issue than that, so it wasnt a issue for him. So technically and officially, I have a boyfriend. But, this is not the reason I am writing today.

His uncle just died. He died of the same disease I would be most likely to get and the type of cancer I am most susceptible to get – liver cancer. this hits a little close to home. I mean, he had been talking to me about it, and we all knew that his uncle would pass away sooner or later, because there was no cure. I had never consciously thought about it. Because, what’s the use? it would only add more worries to my already stressed life.

This event shows me that this disease is real, he was only around 47, about my parents’ age. young. I mean while talking to him online, I could think of nothing but what I could do to make things easier for him. (this is nothing to do with that he is important in my life, it has to do with the fact that someone in his life had just passed away and I can’t comfort anyone else, because they dont know me). But now that I’m not talking to him anymore, this idea is slowly starting to sink in.

Maybe I should start taking better care of myself huh? when will I ever learn? not just about this, but pretty much all of life’s lessons, I’m still as naive as ever. It’s so hard these days, to take good care of yourself. school, work, and life in general drags you down. What can I do but live everyday as well as I can? and just hope that in the next phase of my life – the phase after college – that I will be able to take better care of myself.

Who knows what will happen? Do we really have control over our own destinies?

Falling

I’m a desperate romantic, I always have been. The slightest problem could be amplified in my head and I could overreact and believe that it’s the end of my life. Same with relationships, once I fall, I could throw all reason and logic into the wind and go with it (except having sex without condoms, that I would never do until I’m ready to get prego).

So I’ve been hanging out every weekend for the past 3 weekends with this guy, the same one that took me out and treated me like a princess on V-day weekend. Yes, I have fallen for him. And he has completely changed my decision about staying single. obviously its the “honeymoon” stage and everything is rainbows and butterflies…obviously. Except for one fact. I have told him about my curse, I have given him the ultimate decision to make. That if he wants our relationship to go to the next level and really last, he must decide something that may affect the rest of his life…

My biggest fear is that I will end up hurting the one that I love, my husband, but I have no choice but to make the healthiest choices possible, I have to live with it, and make the best of it. And someday, there will be a guy that will not care about the fact that I have this. And he even said that he may be that guy, he just need to think about it.

Why do I get attached to people so easily? why do I fall so easily? for a while now, I’ve thought that I wasnt as vulnerable as before, that I’ve built up my guard and I can’t get hurt as easy as before. Why this? why him? why me?

Of course I’m worried, of course I’m hating my life right now. Just when I finally learned to put down my guard, I have to force it up again, so that I don’t get hurt, because last night, may be the last with him. (no, we didnt have sex, that would be moving waaay too fast)  I hope to god that it’s not, but it may very well be. Once he makes his decision, thats it, I’m back to where I was before, back to learning about myself, back to singledom. Maybe it wouldnt be so bad, there’re less things to consider, no worries about hurting someone that I care about the most, no worries about him leaving me after I’ve lost count of the time and resources I’ve spent because of him.

Anyways, as of a few weeks ago, I was still telling myself that I wasn’t single for long enough…

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, I still have alot to learn.

Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day, a day singles lament about being single…

This year, I had thought that I would just take this day and enjoy the singledom and just be myself, without all the overanalyzing and drama about the what ifs of a relationship.

After spending last night out with someone I had just met two weeks ago, I realized that I wouldn’t have to do that, and this morning, I woke up an hour before my alarm, with a large smile on my face. I wasnt going to be bitter about V-day or anything, but who wouldnt prefer to spend it with someone special compared to the alternative. And by special I mean that he is extra nice, not special as in I could spend the rest of my life with him kind of way. Only time will tell about that.

Today, V-day, we had made plans for the evening already, so I decided to spend some quality time in the early afternoon enjoying the beauty of Chinese Lit in the library. And now the reason for my blogging…

I received an unexpected call from a friend, thinking he wanted to talk about something. However, when I asked whats up, he said asked me if I wanted to go for a movie. Of course, I told him I had plans already. But this distracted me so that I couldnt concentrate on the rest of my work and had to record this incident.

Noone should be spending this day alone, American culture have drilled this thought into our heads. Of course I wouldnt have cared, I had work to keep my occupied, but obviously I am much happier now that something is going on tonight.

However, I am in conflict right now because…so did he ask me to the movies because I am a friend to him and he didn’t want to spend tonight alone and seeks the company of a friend? Or is he starting to think that possibly we could be more than that, now that there is someone else?

I know I can’t ever just shoot these questions at him, but I still cant help being confused. I can only see him as a friend so…it shouldnt confuse me, but it does because I don’t like to hurt people…unfortunately, I think that’s a part of the list of life’s lessons I must learn to get used to…

It Shouldn’t Matter

Okay, here is my new complaint about the single life. Will I actually have to tell guys, “I just want to be friends right now”? Because honestly, the last thing I need is a relationship or even someone to be interested in me, or someone that I am interested in…To put it simply, I need to isolate myself far and away from anything that can be remotely defined as “I like you, do you like me?” type of crap.

last night, I went out to a club, because it was someone’s bday. I knew who the girl was, but I didnt know her personally, I was only invited by a friend because he thought I would bring one of my friends along, whom he is interested in getting to know better. Yes, it has steeped to this level, because of my I-dont-care-how-I’m-treated-I’ll-still-be-your-friend ways. That’s okay, I had fun, that’s what I do best these days, because obviously it isnt school, or job.

anyways, so I ended up dancing with this guy that had been hanging out with me all night, I didnt know he was actually interested in me. needless to say, I’m not looking for anyone, I’m fine by myself, and hopefully it doesnt get to the point where I actually have to tell him that I’m not interested.

and another guy, the guy I had mentioned in a previous post, the one that had ignited the “self-therapy session”? yeah he’s been calling me too, and had I not ran into some friends I havent see for a while, I would have went to meet him, because he was in a nearby club. Had I gone to see him though, I would never have ended up dancing with this guy, maybe that would have gave me less confusion than what I am experiencing right now, but maybe not.

Oh gosh, as if this isn’t enough, a third guy, I don’t know anything more except for the fact that he works at my realty office and that he is planning to go to law school. I don’t even know if he is single or if he finds me attractive. And I don’t plan to get to know him, I merely find him attractive, the first guy I have found attractive since I’ve declared singledom. It just adds to the confusion because I would like him to find me attractive, because then maybe something could come out of it. I’m fantasizing, obviously. Only this time, it’s not like those times back in high school, where you get all tongue-tied when a guy you find attractive talks to you? This time, I talk to him like a confident, grown-up, sophisticated lady. Okay no, not quite like that. But I don’t stumble over words anymore, of course, he’s not the only attractive guy in a world of 6 billion.

And here I was thinking that embracing singledom would be simple.

Near Death Experience

Real Estate class almost costed me my life today. There was a snow storm this morning, but after a phone call to my instructor, I decided to ask Dad to drive me to the Sheraton in Braintree anyways. Here’s what happened:

I guess I still need to figure out how to post pictures on here, but basically, we did a 180 degree skid and ended up on the farthest lane on the opposite side of the road.

The whole rest of the way there, we were thanking god that no car was coming from the opposite direction.

wtf

ok, I just got done with my real estate classs, going to study it and take a exam soon, my classes start Thursday, i need to move into school…

I really don’t have time to worry about my dating life…

what the fuck is wrong with me? I need to meditate.

So there was this guy I’ve only talked to a few times before I left for Las Vegas, and he hasn’t been online since we became friends on Myspace and Facebook, I feel like its too coincidental, maybe there was something on my profile that he didn’t like. well, alot of these stuff is just for show, this is not really the real me, I kind of told him that it was all a cover, maybe that was the wrong thing to say?

Ok, I’m thinking too much again, that’s for sure. Move on, forget him, if he wants to talk, eventually, he will pop up, if not, there’s nothing I can do about it. Well, that’s why I sent him a message saying that I missed talking to him, because he doesnt talk about drinking, partying and sports stuff. I sent him the message like yesterday? or the day before? I don’t even remember. I figured I had nothing to lose, so I did that. I guess I’m just getting kind of impatient waiting for a reply, that is my vice.

Move on, move on, move on, you dont have time to worry about this, you have too much other stuff to worry about, its not worth it, he’s not worth it, you don’t even know him that well yet, not worth the time you spend thinking about this, not worth it, not worth it, not worth it…ok I’m done.

not going to be paranoid anymore, not going to check facebook to see if he replied. btw, I’m not addicted to FB, its a primary way to stay in contact with people these days, that’s why I get on, otherwise, I lose touch with people, because of my busy life.

self-therapy session closed.

An update of where my life is…

Most Asians have their lives set. They know they want to go into med school, be a doctor, marry someone successful, have the kind of life that everyone else dreams of.

Less than three years ago, I was like that. I was a Chemistry/Premed major, had a boyfriend, I thought I was set. Little did I know, that was the beginning of college, that was when my life had barely even started. My life….is only just starting now. Now…is when I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life. I changed my major 2 years ago, to something more flexible in future choices: Economics and International Relations, and couldn’t be any happier with it. I finally broke up with him, as you know from my previous blogs, officially 7 months ago, and 2 months ago, I finally gave up trying to get back with him and realized that it was the best for both of us.

The unknown is what thrills me. I got bored with the same things and the set futures. I had even tried to break up with him, several times while we were together. But during the later part of our relationship, it was him who actually ended it, of course, due to another aspect of my “self-discovery”. Now… flirting with guys, knowing that no harm can come out of it, knowing that they are interested in getting to know me better, knowing that at any moment, I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA who may come my way. That’s the thrill of being single.

As far as jobs go, I’m looking to get into real estate for some side income, as mentioned in my previous blogs. Although…ok here’s the reason for my blogging today. My alarm woke me at 9am, I was dead tired and couldn’t make it to my training appt and…there’s a story to this: The night before last, xmas eve, I worked at a Jewish Mikveh (hate the reminders of the ex, but need the money) and right after that, at 4pm, I left for my uncle’s restaurant to work. Didn’t eat anything, therefore, I was hungry…went to Dunkin Donuts, bought a bagel and coffee, knowing that I would never be able to finish the coffee. At 10pm, xmas eve, I was eating dinner and drank that coffee, and that night, I couldn’t sleep….until 5am, and woke up at 9am…so today, even though I went to sleep at a normal time, I was dead tired, and couldnt make it out of the house. I’m still tired right now, but had to blog about how lucrative my plans have been lately.

ummm….I’m graduating in 1 semester, and I have NO IDEA where I’m going to be after graduation…a few months ago, I was pretty set on wanting to be a management consultant, I lost count of the number of consulting firms I’ve applied to: McKinsey, Deloitte, Bain…you name it…Come mid December, I realized that I needed to be real, with my GPA, my resume probably ended up in the trash can of ALL of the recruiters, although they gave me a nicer reply: “due to the current condition of the economy….blah blah.” Listen, lady, or guy, I know my qualifications are not good enough to be a consultant, just like it wasn’t good enough for MIT 4 years ago…but…never hurts to try, i don’t take rejections personally.

Who cares? I did, I still kind of do, but I’m not waiting around for a reply that will never come…..

Moving on….to…the UNKNOWN

We will see where life takes me in terms of a full-time job and relationships after graduation.

The News (12/23/08)

If there continues to be such an eclectic selection of news, maybe I will start a continuous blog of news briefs. Anywho, I was amused by the Boston local news today, its blog-worthy:

1. Goose stuck in a river frozen with ice, but when a firefighter got close to him, he was able to free himself.
2. A guy tried to get rid of ice on his stairs by torching it….um, yea he torched his house too.
3. Man stole a puppy from a pet store pet owners were worried about the puppy because he was a picky eater…
4. A woman left x-mas presents in the trunk of her car and they were ALL stolen! (This just destroyed my last bit of confidence in humanity)
5. The Yankees have spent $452M total so far to get players from the Red Sox…
6. Bailout? The housing market may be next….(hate to say it…but I thought so.)

“Slim pickings”

Maybe I am being too picky? but as I sit there with guy friends and listen to them talk about how they liked girls for their big butts and bigger breasts. I feel hopeless. Is this the type of conversation they only have with friends? Or do they honestly believe this?

I choose to believe that they only talk this way with friends, that there is hope out in the world, I’m still searching for that one guy that will take care of me for the rest of my life, and love me no matter what happens.

There is hope.

Things from an Ex

I guess I still have alot of questions about the past. I feel like i’ve moved on…but of course you never know for sure.

What should I do with things that he had given me? should I throw them out? donate them to charity? sell them? burn them?

Is it really necessary to do SOMETHING? The really sentimental and romantic things are in the closet, there are some stuffed animals and things i use like an ab roller and speakers that I keep out, I dont want to throw them away because it would cost me about 100$ to buy them again.

There are a few more stuffed animals in the closet and some jewelry I’m not wearing, and some decorative things and a photo album that I’m also keeping in the closet. Is it really necessary to get rid of them in one way or another? Would it help in getting over him? or would it just add to the emptiness?

Some have said that it’s okay to keep them, to go back to them in a few years and feel that the 3 years you spent wasn’t a waste of your time, that you have laughed and cried and made mistakes and learned. I feel like this would be the best way to deal with things. Because the three years I had been with him, it’s pretty much been him, he was pretty much my life, I dont want my three years to completely disappear.

I’m an adult and I can admit that I’m not over it, that it’s going to take some time, and time only, it doesnt need some drastic action that makes the three years of my life disappear. I’ve put the memories away already, out of sight, but just knowing that it’s there is a comfort. I know it’s over and i’m not trying to make things work anymore, i’m moving on, it just will take some time to get my mind straight.